HOORAY, FREE THINGS!

I'm off work tomorrow, so today is my Friday... whoopie! In honor of my upcoming weekend, a post!

Yesterday, a reader who wishes to remain anonymous posed this question to me:

I found myself at Brick Oven Pizza 33 last week, a decent pizza place in Chelsea. I ordered, paid, and then waited for my slice. When I got it, I noticed a sign on the register that said "No receipt? Free slice!" Now, I'm not a cheap person... but who's turning down a free slice?? I told the guy at the register he never gave me a receipt and after a minute of explanation, I had myself a second, free slice. Score! Only thing is, I was looking in my wallet yesterday and noticed between bills... a receipt... for the first slice. Turns out the guy had given it to me, it was just under the other bills I had gotten back in change. I totally scammed that guy out of a free slice... I can't go back there ever again, can I?

Ohhhh _______. Like you, I constantly scam my way out of paying for little things. Grab some extra napkins from Chipotle for the week? Check. Yoink a dryer sheet from some poor soul who left the full box in the laundry room? Check. Shit, just this week my roommate swiped a roll of bubble wrap from work and we high-fived over our thriftyness. So yeah, I'm pretty much down with most forms of semi-robbery.

That said, you flat out stole from that guy. Like there's a line between trying to save a bit here and there and plain old thievery, and you inadvertently destroyed it. If that sign is up, there's a good chance they've had receipt issues in the past... so everyone probably has to report how many free slices they give away each day... and I'm betting that his boss was none too happy with him that night. But whatever, you say, its HIS fault! HE didn't give me a receipt!

Wrong. You then find that receipt, and now you don't know what to do. So let's first take a step back here. You got a free slice, but it's not the end of the world. Whats a cheese slice cost that store - fifty cents? A dollar? Not a lot. Odds are you didn't cause anything tragic, no way they remembers you, so you shouldn't be too embarrassed to go back.

And if that slice is weighing on you, there's really only one way to make it up: next time you're craving a slice, waltz into Brick Oven, order your favorite kind of slice, pay as you normally would, and if that guy is working there that night, throw an extra $5 in the tip jar. You'll feel better, he'll be happy for the extra dough (get it? pizza joke!), and you can enjoy your neighborhood pizza place!

Then when that guy doesn't give you a receipt again, nab his ass for another free one. I mean c'mon, who's gonna turn down a free slice?

BIG NEWS PEOPLE!

Oh hey readers...

THAT'S RIGHT! We're baaaaaack! Sorry for the slight delay in postings... Danny and I were in tough negotiations all summer for the book deal rights to this website. Publishing companies just fighting left and right over us. In the end though, none of them could meet our strict demands, and the deals fell through...

OK... I can't lie anymore. What actually happened was Danny boy and I had a good ole' fashioned summer break. Just laying around all day, sandy beaches, required reading, and slip n slides. But in the end, we just couldn't stay away from our dreams of professional blogging and awkward social situation analyzing (sounds super professional, right? You bet your sweet ass it is). Plus, reader Dave wrote in a few months ago and I promised I'd answer it or something. So, without further adieu:

"So I was going to dinner with my cousin for her bday, she was coming into the city (from Jersey) and wanted to go to a nice but not expensive place. I asked around, looked up a few places, and got a list together of places we could go.

She texted me back a few minutes later. My cousin went with none of my suggestions... she just picked her own place. Which is really annoying because then why are you asking me for suggestions?? I mean, if you're gonna just do the research yourself, then don't ask me!

I expect a 1/2 page blog on this rant by end of tomorrow from you."

First thing's first... reader Dave is a needy bitch. END OF DAY TOMORROW?? I've got work to do buddy! And by work, I mean scour the internet for cute animal links. Regardless though, I waited like 4 months to write this simply because you sounded like my 9th grade English teacher.

Now onto my rant. I'm gonna be honest with you Dave... I got no problem with what your cousin did. Honestly, no problem at all. You know why? Because picking where you and a group are going to eat dinner is the single hardest decision you will ever make. Think about when you have a group of like 10 people going to a birthday dinner... its absolute HELL. Really, the whole process is terrible... even after you pick a place, someone shows up late, and then restaurant has to scoot two tables together, so you're blocking the aisle and the waiters have to work around you, and when the check comes there's always that one person who doesn't want to split the bill because they got a water, not a diet coke.

But back to the matter at hand. Even when I'm picking a place to eat with just a few friends, the decision of where to eat is agonizing. One person inevitably always suggests Mexican, but another person had Mexican last night. One person votes for something different like Indian food, but someone else doesn't like curry. THEN JUST ORDER TIKKA MASALA (Let' be real here... who doesn't order Tikka Masala?) And then you end up ordering Chinese food, and I get beef and broccoli and it never ends up being very good. And then my night is ruined.

Plus, there's like A BILLION good restaurants in NYC... how can you even decide?? Know where I grew up? Memphis, TN. Know how many good restaurants there are in Memphis, TN? Five. A famous BBQ joint , a less-known BBQ joint, an Italian place, a steakhouse and a Chili's. Yeah, you know things are bad when Chili's qualifies as a top-5 establishment. But in NYC? Every block there's a 5-star restaurant or a really underrated hole-in-the-wall place with the best something in the city. I have NO idea how so many places stay in business. But with literally 10 options for every cuisine you can imagine, it's a miracle I'm ever able to decide where to just sit down and eat.

So Dave, I'm actually OK with your cousin taking her sweet little time to decide where she wants to eat. I don't care if she asks for you and every one of her friends' opinion, looks through menus of every restaurant in NYC, wavers back and forth between like 15 places, and ultimately makes up her own mind for her birthday dinner. Unless she decides on Chinese food. Then I'm totally vetoing.

XYZPDQ!

Well hello readers! Its a great day! The sun is shining, birds are chirping...

... OK. I can't do this. I can't B.S. you - I know you'd see right through me. So I'll just come out with it - I feel like death right now. I'm super hung over today. And to top it off, I totally passed out last night watching South Park and woke up on my couch at 8:45 am (ZOMG LATE!). Started showering, and realized I forgot to grab my towel before shower. Take it from me: drying with a hand towel is not as fun as it sounds. Leave my apartment, walked down the stairs, and realized I forgot my wallet. Had to walk back up 5 flights to get it. Ran to the subway, but totally missed the train by 5 seconds. Finally walking to work, and almost got hit by a taxi (Amjad?!?) crossing Broadway. Let's just say this has not been my day peeps...

So it should come as no surprise when I walked in late today and Danny uttered the words "get excited, its your day to write a post!" I was none too thrilled. Don't get me wrong, I love writing for all you. It reminds me how truly important and brilliant and smart and stuff I am. But today was simply not the day for me to conjure up a clever idea. I can barely function as a normal adult human, how can I entertain the world with a hilarious (aka mildly funny) post?

But suddenly, my prayers were answered. Because UBER-loyal reader Terry (I hear her boyfriend is wicked funny) was kind enough to send in her question at lunchtime today. So here it is: the triumphant return of Reader Write-In Thursday! Take it away Terry!

"So I have a bit of a quandary I’d like you guys to help me and the rest of NYC to figure out…

So one day I actually got a seat on the subway for my morning commute into NYC…I was thrilled. Anyway as I’m enjoying my ipod and my AMNY I glanced up as the train was filling in with other people and notice a guy standing right in front of me facing me—would normally think nothing of it but of course (guess he was a pretty tall guy) his crotch was right in my eye line and what do I see (no sickos) – his pant zipper completely wide open. Now I’m very awkward in these types of situations even with people I know!

So I ask you—should I have told this young professional who was maybe on his way to a job interview that he was about to expose his tighty whities to Manhattan or is it not my problem he forgot to zip?

HELP! (by the way I totally didn’t say anything…)"

Simply put - a fantastic question, the old XYZ. And you know what, I HAVE NO IDEA. Say something, and he knows you were totally checking out his junk. Plus, what if that's the latest fashion trend, and you're just not in the know? Then YOU'D be totally embarrassed. But if you don't tell him, he's likely to never realize, make a fool of himself, not get that job, and cry himself to sleep simply. Just because you were embarrassed on the subway. So here it goes people. Reader Terry asks...

Am I supposed to tell this random dude on the subway his fly is undone?

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READER WRITE IN - DID I DO THAT?

Today's your lucky day folks, it's Thursday. Despite the fact that a monster snurricane is currently destroying New York City (and my travel plans), we still have a job to do. We're like the Postal Service at this blog, neither snow, nor rain, nor the Winter Olympics on the TV directly to my left can stop us from reader write-in Thursday. For the record, did you know that the whole 'snow nor rain nor gloom of night' thing isn't the Postal Service's official creed? They don't even have one! I feel like I've been lied to since grade school.

Anyway, it's Thursday, and that means we'll use one of your written-in questions for today's post. Believe us, there were LOTS to pick from, but lucky Michael got the draw today. Why did he get chosen over your E-mail? Not sure why really, but he did. And although I have a feeling the voting will sway heavily during this poll, we're going to need you New York (and beyond) to make an official ruling on this one.

Michael write us:

"So this morning I was walking to get into the Subway at Union Square. When I go pick up the AM New York, my preferred free daily newspaper, I accidently knocked my laptop case into the stand for the Metro.

(Cue the soundbite)

I noticed this when I was five feet away from the stand. Do I, turn around and attempt to mobilize a troop to lift up the stand and put up the paper or walk away and let the guy who's job it is to hand out the metro fix it? As I walked away I did here somebody yell "hey, you knocked down the stand. ASSHOLE!"


Oh Michael, Michael, Michael. That wasn't just somebody calling you an asshole as you rushed yourself down the platform, pretty sure that was the collective voice of the universe. You see, it's as age-old as the Carnegie Deli or gravity. When you knock someone's stuff over, you pick it up! I remember learning that lesson in pre-school. Believe me, there wasn't a cute three-year-old blond who went more than five seconds without her legos being toppled over and picked up by gentleman Dan. It's just how I do it. You might have been absent for that lesson for all I know.

Anyway, I apologize. It's not up to me! It's up to the voters to decide what exactly should be done in this type of situation. So New York, we ask you:

Am I supposed to pick up someones stuff I knocked over, even if I've already made my way down the platform/street/sidewalk?

READER WRITE IN - BELLHOP'S REVENGE

Hey readers, remember way back when you were all little lads and lassies and you were allowed to dream big? Like reaaaaal big. You wanted to have a pony, fly to the moon, or be a ninja (still have that one myself).

Well, our loyal fan Andrew still dreams big. And his big dreams have paid off in a major way, as Andrew becomes our first guest for write-in Thursday! Congratulations Andrew, we're sure this will be the greatest day of your life, so enjoy it.

And, without further adieu:

"So my parents visited New York last week, and were staying at a very nice hotel (the Waldorf). I was with them to see them off to the airport. After checking out, we walked out of the hotel with their suitcases in hand. We're about halfway out the door and see two cabs sitting in front of the hotel.

At that point, the hotel bellhop runs up through the doors and says "here, let me get you a cab", grabs the suitcase out of my hand, and puts it in the trunk of a cab.

So, "experts", should I tip the bellhop? Because I sure didn't ask him to do that, and I definitely could have loaded my parents suitcase into the cab.

-Andrew

Oh sweet, sweet Andrew, how you bring us back to our roots. It's been over a week since our last tipping post (WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!?), and this is a good one, one we come across pretty much whenever we travel, since pretty much all bags are on wheels now, and the need for bag-dudes is at an all time low (Do they even make bags without wheels anymore? If so, screw you Samsonite. Bags without wheels are the WORST). But enough rambling and run-on sentences. It's Andrew's day to shine people. So he asks you...

Are we supposed to tip that bellboy for doing a job we are already doing ourselves?



Want to get super-famous just like Andrew? Write in your random "am I supposed to" question! Its like, totally worth the time it takes to write an email.


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