WHAT HAPPENS WHEN NBC NO LONGER TRIES ANYMORE? THE EVENT!

I usually don’t use exclamation marks. I find they’re generally reserved for psychotically energetic girls that just wanted to say “hey!”, “what are you doing?!!”. But this show is so bad, so formulaic, so unoriginal in its attempt to be original, that I felt compelled to use it. Here goes...

As a recap for those of you who weren’t able to watch “The Event”, here is a quick synopsis of the first episode (also known as many people’s last episode):

Boy and Girl are on vacation. Girl vanishes. Flash-forwards show Boy later hijacks plane. Flashbacks reveal Boy didn’t mean to hijack plane. Boy tries to save plane from crashing into the President of the United States' Florida compound (I know…). Even more flashbacks reveal the President’s discovery of 97 mysterious prisoners kept by the government in Alaska (really, not 100?). Prisoners have been there for roughly 60 years (ok, got it!). Strong-willed President overrides advisers and seeks to announce the existence of those mysterious prisoners to the world! As President begins TV address to the nation, plane soars directly towards President’s compound. Flashbacks reveal Girl’s Dad is the pilot steering the plane towards impact (Wow!). More Flashbacks reveal that he’s only doing it because a secret group of people have killed his wife and threatened his family. A flash-forward from the flashback to present time shows Boy and passengers bracing for impact. President and entourage race to safety. Incoming plane they say! Portal opens up in the middle of the sky. President saved. What the #@!&?

There you have it NBC, another hit! You’ve managed to combine flashbacks, flash-forwards, aliens, portals, government cover-ups, plane crashes, bad acting, regular folks, the President of the US, his stereotypically secretive and manipulative military adviser, kidnapping, Alaska and Florida.

Thanks NBC!

BIG NEWS PEOPLE!

Oh hey readers...

THAT'S RIGHT! We're baaaaaack! Sorry for the slight delay in postings... Danny and I were in tough negotiations all summer for the book deal rights to this website. Publishing companies just fighting left and right over us. In the end though, none of them could meet our strict demands, and the deals fell through...

OK... I can't lie anymore. What actually happened was Danny boy and I had a good ole' fashioned summer break. Just laying around all day, sandy beaches, required reading, and slip n slides. But in the end, we just couldn't stay away from our dreams of professional blogging and awkward social situation analyzing (sounds super professional, right? You bet your sweet ass it is). Plus, reader Dave wrote in a few months ago and I promised I'd answer it or something. So, without further adieu:

"So I was going to dinner with my cousin for her bday, she was coming into the city (from Jersey) and wanted to go to a nice but not expensive place. I asked around, looked up a few places, and got a list together of places we could go.

She texted me back a few minutes later. My cousin went with none of my suggestions... she just picked her own place. Which is really annoying because then why are you asking me for suggestions?? I mean, if you're gonna just do the research yourself, then don't ask me!

I expect a 1/2 page blog on this rant by end of tomorrow from you."

First thing's first... reader Dave is a needy bitch. END OF DAY TOMORROW?? I've got work to do buddy! And by work, I mean scour the internet for cute animal links. Regardless though, I waited like 4 months to write this simply because you sounded like my 9th grade English teacher.

Now onto my rant. I'm gonna be honest with you Dave... I got no problem with what your cousin did. Honestly, no problem at all. You know why? Because picking where you and a group are going to eat dinner is the single hardest decision you will ever make. Think about when you have a group of like 10 people going to a birthday dinner... its absolute HELL. Really, the whole process is terrible... even after you pick a place, someone shows up late, and then restaurant has to scoot two tables together, so you're blocking the aisle and the waiters have to work around you, and when the check comes there's always that one person who doesn't want to split the bill because they got a water, not a diet coke.

But back to the matter at hand. Even when I'm picking a place to eat with just a few friends, the decision of where to eat is agonizing. One person inevitably always suggests Mexican, but another person had Mexican last night. One person votes for something different like Indian food, but someone else doesn't like curry. THEN JUST ORDER TIKKA MASALA (Let' be real here... who doesn't order Tikka Masala?) And then you end up ordering Chinese food, and I get beef and broccoli and it never ends up being very good. And then my night is ruined.

Plus, there's like A BILLION good restaurants in NYC... how can you even decide?? Know where I grew up? Memphis, TN. Know how many good restaurants there are in Memphis, TN? Five. A famous BBQ joint , a less-known BBQ joint, an Italian place, a steakhouse and a Chili's. Yeah, you know things are bad when Chili's qualifies as a top-5 establishment. But in NYC? Every block there's a 5-star restaurant or a really underrated hole-in-the-wall place with the best something in the city. I have NO idea how so many places stay in business. But with literally 10 options for every cuisine you can imagine, it's a miracle I'm ever able to decide where to just sit down and eat.

So Dave, I'm actually OK with your cousin taking her sweet little time to decide where she wants to eat. I don't care if she asks for you and every one of her friends' opinion, looks through menus of every restaurant in NYC, wavers back and forth between like 15 places, and ultimately makes up her own mind for her birthday dinner. Unless she decides on Chinese food. Then I'm totally vetoing.

THIS IS WHY THIS WEEK SUCKS

Good afternoon hebrews and shebrews! That's right people - you caught me smack in the middle of Passover. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: a blond haired, blue eyed, southern Jew?! How cliche!

But I had to warn everyone - do NOT mess with me this week. In my opinion, this is the worst week ever, simply because I can't have ANY of my favorite foods. Wanna know why? Not to go all historical on your asses, but basically some stupid Pharaoh tried to rush the Jews out of Egypt, and they had to make bread really quickly. And it turned out, well, not so well. And now, 3,000 years later, here's what I'm left to eat:

• Any type of bread
• Pita Pockets
• Wraps
• Cereal
• Chips
• Pasta
• Rice
• Cookies
• Salad

GREAT. Thank you SOOOOOO MUCH ancient Jews. A few thousand years later, my ancestors went ahead and banned other stuff they weren't totally sure about, like rice and beans and corn. Fast forward to now? CORN IS IN EVERYTHING. What am I supposed to eat for a whole week now stupid pharaoh?!

Oh, and since wheat products are generally used in the fermenting process, lets go ahead and cross off beer, vodka, gin, rum, scotch, bourbon, and, well, anything else that gets you drunk and tastes good. In other words, I'm totally OK to drink Manischewitz Wine and Potato Vodka. Ever had potato vodka? IT TASTES LIKE DEATH.

So if you see me crabby in the morning, its because I can't have my bagel, or toast, or a muffin, or cereal, or granola (grains) or yogurt (corn syrup). All I can have is matzo and fruit.

And if you see me crabby in the afternoon, its because I can't have a sandwich, or a wrap, or a panini, or street meat, or pretzels, or chips (most chips are fried in corn oil). All I can have is matzo and (some) deli meats.

And if you see me crabby at night, its because I can't have pasta, or sushi, or a burger (bun), or a burrito (flour tortilla), or wings, or even cookies. All I can have it matzo and plain chicken.

And if you see me crabby this weekend, its because I can't drink my face off. Instead, I have to sip on kosher wine and pound shots of potato juice.

Hope you're enjoying your week as much as I am.