ERIC'S BETRAYAL!

So as you know, we're like totally the experts on tipping situations. Granted most of the time we're the ones asking you what to do... but in this day and age, I'm pretty sure having a blog on anything qualifies you as an expert. And yet, there are weirdo's out there who still go to other people for their tipping advice... Like this guy, named "Eric" who wrote into the stupid popular blog Consumerist with this story:

"I was visiting Charleston, SC, and wanted a semi-healthy snack around 5pm to tide me over because I had dinner plans for nine that night. I walked into a local coffee house, and proceeded to order a strawberry and banana smoothie. Much to my chagrin, the barista had me pay before he made the smoothie, but this was only mildly annoying and I didn't challenge it. He waited to ring me up before making the smoothie, so as I was filling out the receipt, I knew he would see whether or not I had left a tip. Part of me wondered if my tip at that time was going to affect how good my smoothie is, which ordinarily should be the other way around. I decided to leave no tip out of principle, assuming that the coffeehouse was personally trying to influence tips by that tactic. He might have not cared at all, and the smoothie wasn't horrible, but it was an odd experience."

First of all guy, yawn. I mean, you throw a snooty barista in there and assume its a good story? I need action, adventure! A plot twist here, a damsel in distress there! Just give me something to keep me interested. Aint frankly, some BS about you going on a late date just ain't cutting it.

Second, poor form move writing in to Consumerist. DANNY AND I ARE THE TIP GUYS! But whatever... I'm assuming due to our sabbatical, you just figured we wouldn't get back to you in ample time. WRONG AGAIN ERIC. And even though you didn't actually ask for our opinion... I'm gonna give it anyway. Because the world needs more of my opinion.

So you got a receipt before your food is made... well Eric, that kinda thing actually happens a lot. In all honesty, he probably rang you up first because it seems like it would just be easier that way... I'm assuming he was already standing next to the cash register when he took your order. So in his opinion, why not ring you up then? Also, by the way you told the story I'm also assuming you paid by credit card. And what do all credit card receipts have on them, regardless of where you are? A TIP LINE! Sorry dude... its not some massive conspiracy against you. Had you whipped out a $10 bill, its not like the guy was going to stand on the counter and shake the tip jar in your face (can't be sure though, people who work at coffeehouses are friggin' weird).

But back to the matter at hand. No, you definitely don't have to tip. If you're making some kind of weird smoothie that he has to do extra work for, you might throw him another buck... but if its on the menu and simple enough, don't worry about it.

In the end, ERIC... it's actually not an odd experience. Its a pretty normal experience. So here's some advice for you. Next time you want to write into a real website, get a decent question and a half-interesting story. Then seek out the true experts, the ones in the trenches everyday, the guys who help the world to solve their greatest tipping conundrums.

PS - My favorite part of the whole story is you assume the barista was trying to squeeze a tip out of you with "that tactic"... like the extra dollar he miiiiight get out of you, divided between all the baristas and managers and janitors and anyone else working in the store, is going to make his day. In all honesty, he was probably just trying to give you a hard time for ordering a stupid Strawberry and Banana smoothie at a coffeehouse.

BIG NEWS PEOPLE!

Oh hey readers...

THAT'S RIGHT! We're baaaaaack! Sorry for the slight delay in postings... Danny and I were in tough negotiations all summer for the book deal rights to this website. Publishing companies just fighting left and right over us. In the end though, none of them could meet our strict demands, and the deals fell through...

OK... I can't lie anymore. What actually happened was Danny boy and I had a good ole' fashioned summer break. Just laying around all day, sandy beaches, required reading, and slip n slides. But in the end, we just couldn't stay away from our dreams of professional blogging and awkward social situation analyzing (sounds super professional, right? You bet your sweet ass it is). Plus, reader Dave wrote in a few months ago and I promised I'd answer it or something. So, without further adieu:

"So I was going to dinner with my cousin for her bday, she was coming into the city (from Jersey) and wanted to go to a nice but not expensive place. I asked around, looked up a few places, and got a list together of places we could go.

She texted me back a few minutes later. My cousin went with none of my suggestions... she just picked her own place. Which is really annoying because then why are you asking me for suggestions?? I mean, if you're gonna just do the research yourself, then don't ask me!

I expect a 1/2 page blog on this rant by end of tomorrow from you."

First thing's first... reader Dave is a needy bitch. END OF DAY TOMORROW?? I've got work to do buddy! And by work, I mean scour the internet for cute animal links. Regardless though, I waited like 4 months to write this simply because you sounded like my 9th grade English teacher.

Now onto my rant. I'm gonna be honest with you Dave... I got no problem with what your cousin did. Honestly, no problem at all. You know why? Because picking where you and a group are going to eat dinner is the single hardest decision you will ever make. Think about when you have a group of like 10 people going to a birthday dinner... its absolute HELL. Really, the whole process is terrible... even after you pick a place, someone shows up late, and then restaurant has to scoot two tables together, so you're blocking the aisle and the waiters have to work around you, and when the check comes there's always that one person who doesn't want to split the bill because they got a water, not a diet coke.

But back to the matter at hand. Even when I'm picking a place to eat with just a few friends, the decision of where to eat is agonizing. One person inevitably always suggests Mexican, but another person had Mexican last night. One person votes for something different like Indian food, but someone else doesn't like curry. THEN JUST ORDER TIKKA MASALA (Let' be real here... who doesn't order Tikka Masala?) And then you end up ordering Chinese food, and I get beef and broccoli and it never ends up being very good. And then my night is ruined.

Plus, there's like A BILLION good restaurants in NYC... how can you even decide?? Know where I grew up? Memphis, TN. Know how many good restaurants there are in Memphis, TN? Five. A famous BBQ joint , a less-known BBQ joint, an Italian place, a steakhouse and a Chili's. Yeah, you know things are bad when Chili's qualifies as a top-5 establishment. But in NYC? Every block there's a 5-star restaurant or a really underrated hole-in-the-wall place with the best something in the city. I have NO idea how so many places stay in business. But with literally 10 options for every cuisine you can imagine, it's a miracle I'm ever able to decide where to just sit down and eat.

So Dave, I'm actually OK with your cousin taking her sweet little time to decide where she wants to eat. I don't care if she asks for you and every one of her friends' opinion, looks through menus of every restaurant in NYC, wavers back and forth between like 15 places, and ultimately makes up her own mind for her birthday dinner. Unless she decides on Chinese food. Then I'm totally vetoing.