HOORAY, FREE THINGS!

I'm off work tomorrow, so today is my Friday... whoopie! In honor of my upcoming weekend, a post!

Yesterday, a reader who wishes to remain anonymous posed this question to me:

I found myself at Brick Oven Pizza 33 last week, a decent pizza place in Chelsea. I ordered, paid, and then waited for my slice. When I got it, I noticed a sign on the register that said "No receipt? Free slice!" Now, I'm not a cheap person... but who's turning down a free slice?? I told the guy at the register he never gave me a receipt and after a minute of explanation, I had myself a second, free slice. Score! Only thing is, I was looking in my wallet yesterday and noticed between bills... a receipt... for the first slice. Turns out the guy had given it to me, it was just under the other bills I had gotten back in change. I totally scammed that guy out of a free slice... I can't go back there ever again, can I?

Ohhhh _______. Like you, I constantly scam my way out of paying for little things. Grab some extra napkins from Chipotle for the week? Check. Yoink a dryer sheet from some poor soul who left the full box in the laundry room? Check. Shit, just this week my roommate swiped a roll of bubble wrap from work and we high-fived over our thriftyness. So yeah, I'm pretty much down with most forms of semi-robbery.

That said, you flat out stole from that guy. Like there's a line between trying to save a bit here and there and plain old thievery, and you inadvertently destroyed it. If that sign is up, there's a good chance they've had receipt issues in the past... so everyone probably has to report how many free slices they give away each day... and I'm betting that his boss was none too happy with him that night. But whatever, you say, its HIS fault! HE didn't give me a receipt!

Wrong. You then find that receipt, and now you don't know what to do. So let's first take a step back here. You got a free slice, but it's not the end of the world. Whats a cheese slice cost that store - fifty cents? A dollar? Not a lot. Odds are you didn't cause anything tragic, no way they remembers you, so you shouldn't be too embarrassed to go back.

And if that slice is weighing on you, there's really only one way to make it up: next time you're craving a slice, waltz into Brick Oven, order your favorite kind of slice, pay as you normally would, and if that guy is working there that night, throw an extra $5 in the tip jar. You'll feel better, he'll be happy for the extra dough (get it? pizza joke!), and you can enjoy your neighborhood pizza place!

Then when that guy doesn't give you a receipt again, nab his ass for another free one. I mean c'mon, who's gonna turn down a free slice?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN NBC NO LONGER TRIES ANYMORE? THE EVENT!

I usually don’t use exclamation marks. I find they’re generally reserved for psychotically energetic girls that just wanted to say “hey!”, “what are you doing?!!”. But this show is so bad, so formulaic, so unoriginal in its attempt to be original, that I felt compelled to use it. Here goes...

As a recap for those of you who weren’t able to watch “The Event”, here is a quick synopsis of the first episode (also known as many people’s last episode):

Boy and Girl are on vacation. Girl vanishes. Flash-forwards show Boy later hijacks plane. Flashbacks reveal Boy didn’t mean to hijack plane. Boy tries to save plane from crashing into the President of the United States' Florida compound (I know…). Even more flashbacks reveal the President’s discovery of 97 mysterious prisoners kept by the government in Alaska (really, not 100?). Prisoners have been there for roughly 60 years (ok, got it!). Strong-willed President overrides advisers and seeks to announce the existence of those mysterious prisoners to the world! As President begins TV address to the nation, plane soars directly towards President’s compound. Flashbacks reveal Girl’s Dad is the pilot steering the plane towards impact (Wow!). More Flashbacks reveal that he’s only doing it because a secret group of people have killed his wife and threatened his family. A flash-forward from the flashback to present time shows Boy and passengers bracing for impact. President and entourage race to safety. Incoming plane they say! Portal opens up in the middle of the sky. President saved. What the #@!&?

There you have it NBC, another hit! You’ve managed to combine flashbacks, flash-forwards, aliens, portals, government cover-ups, plane crashes, bad acting, regular folks, the President of the US, his stereotypically secretive and manipulative military adviser, kidnapping, Alaska and Florida.

Thanks NBC!