HOORAY, FREE THINGS!

I'm off work tomorrow, so today is my Friday... whoopie! In honor of my upcoming weekend, a post!

Yesterday, a reader who wishes to remain anonymous posed this question to me:

I found myself at Brick Oven Pizza 33 last week, a decent pizza place in Chelsea. I ordered, paid, and then waited for my slice. When I got it, I noticed a sign on the register that said "No receipt? Free slice!" Now, I'm not a cheap person... but who's turning down a free slice?? I told the guy at the register he never gave me a receipt and after a minute of explanation, I had myself a second, free slice. Score! Only thing is, I was looking in my wallet yesterday and noticed between bills... a receipt... for the first slice. Turns out the guy had given it to me, it was just under the other bills I had gotten back in change. I totally scammed that guy out of a free slice... I can't go back there ever again, can I?

Ohhhh _______. Like you, I constantly scam my way out of paying for little things. Grab some extra napkins from Chipotle for the week? Check. Yoink a dryer sheet from some poor soul who left the full box in the laundry room? Check. Shit, just this week my roommate swiped a roll of bubble wrap from work and we high-fived over our thriftyness. So yeah, I'm pretty much down with most forms of semi-robbery.

That said, you flat out stole from that guy. Like there's a line between trying to save a bit here and there and plain old thievery, and you inadvertently destroyed it. If that sign is up, there's a good chance they've had receipt issues in the past... so everyone probably has to report how many free slices they give away each day... and I'm betting that his boss was none too happy with him that night. But whatever, you say, its HIS fault! HE didn't give me a receipt!

Wrong. You then find that receipt, and now you don't know what to do. So let's first take a step back here. You got a free slice, but it's not the end of the world. Whats a cheese slice cost that store - fifty cents? A dollar? Not a lot. Odds are you didn't cause anything tragic, no way they remembers you, so you shouldn't be too embarrassed to go back.

And if that slice is weighing on you, there's really only one way to make it up: next time you're craving a slice, waltz into Brick Oven, order your favorite kind of slice, pay as you normally would, and if that guy is working there that night, throw an extra $5 in the tip jar. You'll feel better, he'll be happy for the extra dough (get it? pizza joke!), and you can enjoy your neighborhood pizza place!

Then when that guy doesn't give you a receipt again, nab his ass for another free one. I mean c'mon, who's gonna turn down a free slice?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN NBC NO LONGER TRIES ANYMORE? THE EVENT!

I usually don’t use exclamation marks. I find they’re generally reserved for psychotically energetic girls that just wanted to say “hey!”, “what are you doing?!!”. But this show is so bad, so formulaic, so unoriginal in its attempt to be original, that I felt compelled to use it. Here goes...

As a recap for those of you who weren’t able to watch “The Event”, here is a quick synopsis of the first episode (also known as many people’s last episode):

Boy and Girl are on vacation. Girl vanishes. Flash-forwards show Boy later hijacks plane. Flashbacks reveal Boy didn’t mean to hijack plane. Boy tries to save plane from crashing into the President of the United States' Florida compound (I know…). Even more flashbacks reveal the President’s discovery of 97 mysterious prisoners kept by the government in Alaska (really, not 100?). Prisoners have been there for roughly 60 years (ok, got it!). Strong-willed President overrides advisers and seeks to announce the existence of those mysterious prisoners to the world! As President begins TV address to the nation, plane soars directly towards President’s compound. Flashbacks reveal Girl’s Dad is the pilot steering the plane towards impact (Wow!). More Flashbacks reveal that he’s only doing it because a secret group of people have killed his wife and threatened his family. A flash-forward from the flashback to present time shows Boy and passengers bracing for impact. President and entourage race to safety. Incoming plane they say! Portal opens up in the middle of the sky. President saved. What the #@!&?

There you have it NBC, another hit! You’ve managed to combine flashbacks, flash-forwards, aliens, portals, government cover-ups, plane crashes, bad acting, regular folks, the President of the US, his stereotypically secretive and manipulative military adviser, kidnapping, Alaska and Florida.

Thanks NBC!

ERIC'S BETRAYAL!

So as you know, we're like totally the experts on tipping situations. Granted most of the time we're the ones asking you what to do... but in this day and age, I'm pretty sure having a blog on anything qualifies you as an expert. And yet, there are weirdo's out there who still go to other people for their tipping advice... Like this guy, named "Eric" who wrote into the stupid popular blog Consumerist with this story:

"I was visiting Charleston, SC, and wanted a semi-healthy snack around 5pm to tide me over because I had dinner plans for nine that night. I walked into a local coffee house, and proceeded to order a strawberry and banana smoothie. Much to my chagrin, the barista had me pay before he made the smoothie, but this was only mildly annoying and I didn't challenge it. He waited to ring me up before making the smoothie, so as I was filling out the receipt, I knew he would see whether or not I had left a tip. Part of me wondered if my tip at that time was going to affect how good my smoothie is, which ordinarily should be the other way around. I decided to leave no tip out of principle, assuming that the coffeehouse was personally trying to influence tips by that tactic. He might have not cared at all, and the smoothie wasn't horrible, but it was an odd experience."

First of all guy, yawn. I mean, you throw a snooty barista in there and assume its a good story? I need action, adventure! A plot twist here, a damsel in distress there! Just give me something to keep me interested. Aint frankly, some BS about you going on a late date just ain't cutting it.

Second, poor form move writing in to Consumerist. DANNY AND I ARE THE TIP GUYS! But whatever... I'm assuming due to our sabbatical, you just figured we wouldn't get back to you in ample time. WRONG AGAIN ERIC. And even though you didn't actually ask for our opinion... I'm gonna give it anyway. Because the world needs more of my opinion.

So you got a receipt before your food is made... well Eric, that kinda thing actually happens a lot. In all honesty, he probably rang you up first because it seems like it would just be easier that way... I'm assuming he was already standing next to the cash register when he took your order. So in his opinion, why not ring you up then? Also, by the way you told the story I'm also assuming you paid by credit card. And what do all credit card receipts have on them, regardless of where you are? A TIP LINE! Sorry dude... its not some massive conspiracy against you. Had you whipped out a $10 bill, its not like the guy was going to stand on the counter and shake the tip jar in your face (can't be sure though, people who work at coffeehouses are friggin' weird).

But back to the matter at hand. No, you definitely don't have to tip. If you're making some kind of weird smoothie that he has to do extra work for, you might throw him another buck... but if its on the menu and simple enough, don't worry about it.

In the end, ERIC... it's actually not an odd experience. Its a pretty normal experience. So here's some advice for you. Next time you want to write into a real website, get a decent question and a half-interesting story. Then seek out the true experts, the ones in the trenches everyday, the guys who help the world to solve their greatest tipping conundrums.

PS - My favorite part of the whole story is you assume the barista was trying to squeeze a tip out of you with "that tactic"... like the extra dollar he miiiiight get out of you, divided between all the baristas and managers and janitors and anyone else working in the store, is going to make his day. In all honesty, he was probably just trying to give you a hard time for ordering a stupid Strawberry and Banana smoothie at a coffeehouse.

BIG NEWS PEOPLE!

Oh hey readers...

THAT'S RIGHT! We're baaaaaack! Sorry for the slight delay in postings... Danny and I were in tough negotiations all summer for the book deal rights to this website. Publishing companies just fighting left and right over us. In the end though, none of them could meet our strict demands, and the deals fell through...

OK... I can't lie anymore. What actually happened was Danny boy and I had a good ole' fashioned summer break. Just laying around all day, sandy beaches, required reading, and slip n slides. But in the end, we just couldn't stay away from our dreams of professional blogging and awkward social situation analyzing (sounds super professional, right? You bet your sweet ass it is). Plus, reader Dave wrote in a few months ago and I promised I'd answer it or something. So, without further adieu:

"So I was going to dinner with my cousin for her bday, she was coming into the city (from Jersey) and wanted to go to a nice but not expensive place. I asked around, looked up a few places, and got a list together of places we could go.

She texted me back a few minutes later. My cousin went with none of my suggestions... she just picked her own place. Which is really annoying because then why are you asking me for suggestions?? I mean, if you're gonna just do the research yourself, then don't ask me!

I expect a 1/2 page blog on this rant by end of tomorrow from you."

First thing's first... reader Dave is a needy bitch. END OF DAY TOMORROW?? I've got work to do buddy! And by work, I mean scour the internet for cute animal links. Regardless though, I waited like 4 months to write this simply because you sounded like my 9th grade English teacher.

Now onto my rant. I'm gonna be honest with you Dave... I got no problem with what your cousin did. Honestly, no problem at all. You know why? Because picking where you and a group are going to eat dinner is the single hardest decision you will ever make. Think about when you have a group of like 10 people going to a birthday dinner... its absolute HELL. Really, the whole process is terrible... even after you pick a place, someone shows up late, and then restaurant has to scoot two tables together, so you're blocking the aisle and the waiters have to work around you, and when the check comes there's always that one person who doesn't want to split the bill because they got a water, not a diet coke.

But back to the matter at hand. Even when I'm picking a place to eat with just a few friends, the decision of where to eat is agonizing. One person inevitably always suggests Mexican, but another person had Mexican last night. One person votes for something different like Indian food, but someone else doesn't like curry. THEN JUST ORDER TIKKA MASALA (Let' be real here... who doesn't order Tikka Masala?) And then you end up ordering Chinese food, and I get beef and broccoli and it never ends up being very good. And then my night is ruined.

Plus, there's like A BILLION good restaurants in NYC... how can you even decide?? Know where I grew up? Memphis, TN. Know how many good restaurants there are in Memphis, TN? Five. A famous BBQ joint , a less-known BBQ joint, an Italian place, a steakhouse and a Chili's. Yeah, you know things are bad when Chili's qualifies as a top-5 establishment. But in NYC? Every block there's a 5-star restaurant or a really underrated hole-in-the-wall place with the best something in the city. I have NO idea how so many places stay in business. But with literally 10 options for every cuisine you can imagine, it's a miracle I'm ever able to decide where to just sit down and eat.

So Dave, I'm actually OK with your cousin taking her sweet little time to decide where she wants to eat. I don't care if she asks for you and every one of her friends' opinion, looks through menus of every restaurant in NYC, wavers back and forth between like 15 places, and ultimately makes up her own mind for her birthday dinner. Unless she decides on Chinese food. Then I'm totally vetoing.

FRIDAY LINKS - 4/2/10

Happy Friday all! It's Good Friday, and for whatever reason, about half of my friends are off work, and half are in work. I HATE these semi-holidays. Nothing makes me more jealous than someone else being off work while I'm sitting in the office. Even if I've been off for a week-long vacation, if I come back and someone else is out, I turn violent. What?? Someone else is off work... and I have to sit here in this office? Sending emails and typing and putting information into Excal? All day?!? THE HUMANITY!

And to top it off, it's SUPER nice out. Office shades are up, windows are cracked, and I'm forced to sit here and enjoy the weather from afar. Sighhhhhh. If you're reading this today, I assume its the same for you. Don't worry though - Danny and I are here to get you through this. If you can't be off work and enjoying the best weather we've had yet in 2010, at least you can waste a few minutes at work with some FRIDAY LINKS:

1. Ladies, pay close attention. We love you, but try not to sound like this all the time.

2. By now, everyone has seen the Old Spice commercials with the studly gentleman holding diamonds, or tickets to that thing you love, or on a horse. And don't get me wrong, they're great. But the new Old Spice Odor Blocker campaign is hilarious. So hilarious, in fact, that we will post not one, not two, but all three amazingly awesome ads. ABBBBDOMINALS!

3. CUTE VIDEO OF THE WEEK!

4. In the words of Ferris, "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Well, that's never true more than in New York, the city that constantly moves. Which is why a video like this is even more amazing/inspiring/jaw dropping. Definitely worth the 5 minutes to watch, and maybe even the interview to see how the whole thing was shot. Plus, look how WITTTTTLE our city looks!

5. And lastly, I know you're over this whole Passover thing, and that's ok. But just in case you're wondering, the Japanese have finally figured out the key to Passover. And, ladies and gentlemen, that's just the way the matzo crumbles (get it?!?).

That's it for us folks. Have a fantastic weekend all. You deserve it.

THIS IS WHY THIS WEEK SUCKS

Good afternoon hebrews and shebrews! That's right people - you caught me smack in the middle of Passover. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: a blond haired, blue eyed, southern Jew?! How cliche!

But I had to warn everyone - do NOT mess with me this week. In my opinion, this is the worst week ever, simply because I can't have ANY of my favorite foods. Wanna know why? Not to go all historical on your asses, but basically some stupid Pharaoh tried to rush the Jews out of Egypt, and they had to make bread really quickly. And it turned out, well, not so well. And now, 3,000 years later, here's what I'm left to eat:

• Any type of bread
• Pita Pockets
• Wraps
• Cereal
• Chips
• Pasta
• Rice
• Cookies
• Salad

GREAT. Thank you SOOOOOO MUCH ancient Jews. A few thousand years later, my ancestors went ahead and banned other stuff they weren't totally sure about, like rice and beans and corn. Fast forward to now? CORN IS IN EVERYTHING. What am I supposed to eat for a whole week now stupid pharaoh?!

Oh, and since wheat products are generally used in the fermenting process, lets go ahead and cross off beer, vodka, gin, rum, scotch, bourbon, and, well, anything else that gets you drunk and tastes good. In other words, I'm totally OK to drink Manischewitz Wine and Potato Vodka. Ever had potato vodka? IT TASTES LIKE DEATH.

So if you see me crabby in the morning, its because I can't have my bagel, or toast, or a muffin, or cereal, or granola (grains) or yogurt (corn syrup). All I can have is matzo and fruit.

And if you see me crabby in the afternoon, its because I can't have a sandwich, or a wrap, or a panini, or street meat, or pretzels, or chips (most chips are fried in corn oil). All I can have is matzo and (some) deli meats.

And if you see me crabby at night, its because I can't have pasta, or sushi, or a burger (bun), or a burrito (flour tortilla), or wings, or even cookies. All I can have it matzo and plain chicken.

And if you see me crabby this weekend, its because I can't drink my face off. Instead, I have to sip on kosher wine and pound shots of potato juice.

Hope you're enjoying your week as much as I am.

LAUNDROMAT QUANDRY

I despise laundry. As much as I say I hate Boston sports, hungover mornings and rainy Saturdays - they can't compete with laundry. I'm not even sure where laundry comes from. Pulling things out of the hamper and throwing them in the wash is a never-ending cycle of "when the hell did I wear that", "is that even mine", and "wow, that smells rank".

And, by the time I get my clean load from the laundromat (NO, I do not have a washer/dryer in my apartment, and NO i don't have the hookup for one...of course I've looked into it) and bring it back to my apartment, there's already a new pile of laundry that's formed in the old laundry's place...it's absurd. So you can imagine my mood when I finally get to the laundromat down the street with my 34 pounds of smelly t-shirts (four of which inevitably fell all over Washington St. in Hoboken because I fill up the basket too high).

What's that? You want more back story? You got it.

So there are two laundromats close to me in Hoboken, both of them are literally one and a half blocks away from my apartment. One of them (the one I go to) is a little more run down and pretty cheap . I like it because there's mid 90's Yankee memorabilia all over the walls, and the owner looks like he's never left Hoboken since his 3rd grade field trip (he's now about 50). But as the saying goes, you get what you pay for. The other one is much nicer, cleaner & newer, but also a little more expensive (it's part of a corporate chain). I say I don't go there because I don't like to support corporate greed, but really it's just because I don't want to use the three quarters I'll save at the old place.

ANYWAY, in reality the washers and dryers suck at the place I go to. The other day in my pissy mood I hit the trifecta of shotty machine-performance. The washers ate some of my quarters (DAMMIT!), the dryer I chose and loaded all of my wet clothes in was out of order, and I had to switch after putting like 8 quarters in (AHHHH!), and to top it off the damn dryer door on the one I moved too wouldn't stay closed so I had to stay there to make sure my undies wouldn't fly all over the place. I swore in that instant I would never go back.

But as I was swearing off, all I could see was the owner's sad, friendly face under his 1996 beat up ALCS Yankees cap. I walk in the door of the chain laundromat down the street, and I'm basically kicking this guy in the pants. So before I make any rash decisions, I need your help readers:

Am I supposed to stay loyal to my lousy laundromat?